Wednesday, December 28, 2011


This is kind of a random post. Facebook has a new layout as I'm sure most are aware of. It is now set up to be a scrapbook of your life from birth- when you added facebook and everything since then. My husband and I finally cracked and decided to check it out. The way it is set up is by year. We thought it would be fun to see what events Facebook thought were important. I think we both set up our Facebooks in 2006 and we met in 2008 and married in 2009. It was fun to see how we acted and what we did before we knew each other. But the further we got up the time lines the more nervous I got. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how long it's been it doesn't hurt any less. I saw our first pregnancy announcement. I think we waited a couple days to announce it on Facebook. Sept. 9, 2009 my husband announced that he was going to be a father. It almost brought me to tears. Even though we aren't physically parents I still remember that day and think of it as the day we became parents. Now you would think I would probably stop there not torture myself anymore but I was curious to see what else would pop up. Luckily we didn't announce anymore of our pregnancies on Facebook because we wanted to wait until after the first trimester. But it really got me to thinking about all those special days when I found out about our little angels. I'm the type of person who keeps everything! (not a hoarder lol only sentimental things) I have almost all of our pregnancy tests from all the pregnancies the proof of pregnancies, ultrasounds, my clomid bottles and the clothing we bought when we got a little over excited. I keep everything in a tote. Just to have. Today has been a strange day. Not really sad but hopeful. It's almost a new year and a new beginning. We have every hope that this will be the year that we meet our bundle of joy! I hope we're right!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Another Holiday with Empty Arms

Happy (late) Birthday Jesus!!! I know I haven't posted in about a week so I thought I'd take the time out to do so while I'm not busy. (which seems to not be very often) We spent yet another holiday with empty arms. (Well besides our fur babies) It's hard to see my nephew's first Christmas and wonder what if all our babies were still here. We made most of our gifts this year which I think is the best kind of gift! My niece loves any and all things Justin Bieber so she was easy to please. We got my older nephew some cologne and a hat and a video game. And we made our baby nephew a blanket with his name on it. We also made their matching Christmas shirts!
They were a big hit!

We had a good time spending Christmas with our families but we are so happy to be home! We pray next year we will have our little one to share the holidays with!! There's not much of an update with the adoption (sorry to disappoint) but we will hopefully be finishing the nursery soon so I will be posting pics of that and we are also thinking of having pics made of us in the nursery (also known as "waiting" pics. We have chosen all black furniture but we have themes picked out for both genders. But we are very excited to have that completely finshed! We hope everyone will continue to keep us in their prayers and that we find our little one soon! 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Open Book

I want to start off this blog by saying I'm sarcastic. Lol. Just a fact. And sometimes my sarcasm gets me in some hot water. I'm also very opinionated. But I try not to give my opinion unless it's asked for, or it's something I post on my Facebook. Now, that being said, I have made a personal decision to make my life a semi open book. I most certainly don't do it for attention! I do it because I'm hoping that I can help someone else. While I was going through the grieving process after losing our children I didn't really know anyone else who had been through something like this. I searched online for support groups and books to help me figure out how I was supposed to feel and what was going on with my body. I want to be there for someone and help them through the process or just answer questions for someone whose curious. We also blog in the hopes that maybe it will lead us to our future child. I can't personally see who all reads this blog, but I do know that a lot of people care about what I say. This blog has lead me to a very great group of supportive friends and a lot of new friends who help me along in our new journey. I know I don't know everything and I don't pretend that I do and I'm very thankful for all the people that I met since starting this blog and  I'm happy to have been able to help others and I look forward to helping and learning more! All of you are WONDERFUL!!! Thank you so much for the support and prayers and kind words!!! Keep them coming!! We can't wait to find our little one!!!!

Part 2:

I stated on my Facebook that life isn't rainbows and sunshine. I'm very thankful that I have this blog as an outlet for my feelings and that I can say what I want/feel here and on Facebook. And I'm glad that all of you reading care about what I have to say! I can't be happy all the time so I'm glad I can vent and have the support of all of my friends when I'm not so positive.

Friday, December 16, 2011

A Bereaved Parent’s Wishlist

A Facebook friend and blog friend shared this on her blog and I felt I should share it on mine as well (altered to our situation). It's food for thought and it speaks for itself. I'm so thankful for the friends that have been there for me. I am in a much better place in my life now because of you.
I wish my children hadn’t died. I wish I had them back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak of my children. My children are very important to me. I need to hear that they were important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my children, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My childrens' deaths are the cause of my tears. You have talked about my children and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my children; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my childrens' deaths pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will grieve the death of my children until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my children and I will always grieve that they are dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about them” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my children died, a big part of me died with them. I am not the same person I was before my children died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand, understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


What does the word "mom" mean? According to Webster's its : a female parent.  I have to say that although I'm not technically a "parent" (I am and will always be my angel babies' mommy) I do know what it takes to care for a child of almost any age. Although I am young, and want to be a younger parent it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about or I don't understand. I took all the parenting, child development classes (and still have all the notes to prove it! Thanks Mrs. Couch) and I have had a hand in raising my niece and nephews since they were very young (b was 3, H was 1 and m since he was 2 wks) And I have been pregnant 4 times, no not to full term, but I know What to expect when you're expecting like the back of my hand. So yeah I think I know a little more than most people think. But the experience with my niece and nephews has helped. So no I may not technically be a "parent" but I'm already a mother and can't wait to be a parent! End of rant lol I have found myself more hopeful about the selflessness of people lately. I know what it's like to give up a child, but not by choice. I can't imagine what it's like to give up a child for someone else. But I am very thankful and grateful for those special birthparents. On a brighter note my husband and I have FINALLY agreed on gender neutral crib furniture! Lol he's stubborn but coming around! We can't wait to put it all together!! (Curse you nesting! lol) We can't wait to post pics of the nursery set up! We have decided on themes for both genders as well! We can't find our baby soon enough! I'm so glad that even though our adoption fell through with Baby C we have had so much support to help us grieve and move towards finding our forever family! Thank you all for the prayers and kind words!!!!!

Monday, December 12, 2011


Sorry I've been MIA for the last week. I try to update frequently so that everyone knows what's going on with us during this journey. We tried to keep it a secret but everything fell apart. For the past couple of weeks we have been trying to start the process of adopting a precious 3 month old baby boy. You don't have to take my word but he is adorable! I'm not going into many details, because that's not my place to tell. But as of today, the adoption will not be happening. We're very upset by this because we had every reason to think it would happen, and wonderful people helping us, but in the end it wasn't enough. Thank you all for the prayers and I'm sorry we don't have better news. But please pray for this baby boy, I worry about him still and I pray that he finally gets some stability and the love he so desperately needs. We are heartbroken, but hope God will lead us to our bundle of joy soon! Please keep us and that precious little boy in your prayers.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Negative Nancy

Don't be fooled by the title I am in no way going to be negative. Sorry I've been MIA for the past few days. As most of you know(most of you guys are on my Facebook) my last post stirred up a little drama because my words were misunderstood. I have clearly explained my feelings and I don't intend to go through the horrible mess of explaining again on here. I just want to take a second and personally thank everyone reading right now. I know that you don't have to read this but I'm glad you are. I hope I help you in some way. If you don't like what I have to say then please feel free to stop reading now. I want to let everyone know that I started writing this blog I fully intended it to be an emotional outlet. It has done wonders for me to vent and write in this blog. It has also helped a few people which I am happy to hear! I also hope I have helped others understand the infertile side of situations and what we live with and think about. We are not "negative nancies" we simply state how we feel when we feel it because it's unhealthy to keep thing bottled up inside. I would just like to say I don't tell you how to feel, I don't tell you the things you post are dumb, so give me the same respect. I love that my blog has been able to help others! On another note, I'd just like to say that I am happy for all of my pregnant friends and those who have recently given birth. I don't resent them! This is an exciting time in their life and I am supportive of them. But that doesn't mean I don't get jealous or hurt by posts of how excited they are about something to do with their baby. It's natural for me to be happy and unhappy at the same time. It is sad to know that you will never get to give birth to your own child or feel the things other women feel. But that doesn't mean I'm telling you not to post pregnancy announcements or births. I am genuinely happy for you! (ok so I got a little negative, but hopefully I got the point across) we are far beyond ready to meet our little one! We get excited everyday knowing we are one say closer to meeting them!! We pray about them constantly!!! We thank you soooooo much for your prayers as well! The more the merrier!!! I'm so happy to have the wonderful supporters that we have! I'm happy that I have a place to vent an help others at the same time. You guys and your encouraging words mean the world!!! Thank you soooo much!!! (how's that for negative :) )

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Age doesn't Make You a Better Mother

I think the title best explains what I'm about to rant about. Just because I'm not 30 something doesn't mean I won't make a good mother. Yes I believe that some teen moms give themselves bad rep because teens aren't meant to have children. (Sorry if that offends anyone) But honestly some teens don't make the best decisions. I personally know some teen mothers that have grown up and taken responsibility for their children and are wonderful moms and on the other hand I know some that are by my standards not that much of a mother. But anywho... I am in my early twentys and my husband is in his (almost) mid twentys lol but I have been around babies and children my whole life. I care for a preschooler and an infant on an almost weekly basis. Needless to say I can care for any age child. I think it's a gift. Despite our journey I think God knows I was born to be a mother, and so do our 4 angel babies. It's been a rough week. Lots of babies being born to people I know. Adoption is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. You want to be happy for those lucky mothers, but it's hard to know that you will never share that exact same experience and happiness. I belive when we adopt it will be a different kind of happiness. We are so far beyond ready to be parents, and the closer it gets to Christmas the lower our hopes get of finding our baby. (Sorry for the pity party there) On to other matters I'm still excited about Christmas! This is the first year that I am going to make, yes I said MAKE, everyone's Christmas presents!!! I love personal gifts and I think they make the best gifts sometimes!!! Thank you to all those who have been following in this journey! We can't wait to make the announcement you are all waiting for!! We thank you for your kind words and prayers we sincerely appreciate them!!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Car Analogy for Adoption

I saw this on a fellow adoption blogger's blog and it really hit home for me. I hope this puts things into perspective for someone in a pregnancy crisis.
A young woman and a young man are standing outside near a very busy street. The child they are both responsible for runs into the street. A car is coming down the street at a very fast speed and there is NO CHANCE the child won't be hit. The couple can do one of these four things:

1. They can do nothing and watch their child get hit and killed by the car. The psychological pain of this inaction will always be with them.

2. They can both jump into the road and sandwich the child between them and brace for the collision. If they stay together, there will be minimal injury to the child. But there is a 80-90% chance that they will split on impact.

3. One of the parents can jump out in front of the car. This will save the child's life, but injuries will be substantial.

4. One or both of the parents can run into the street and push the child out of the way of the speeding car into the outstretched arms of a couple on the other side of the street.

In all of these scenarios, someone always gets hit by the car. What would you choose?

This scenario is a metaphor for a crisis pregnancy. The first choice represents abortion. The second choice represents a couple that tries to stay together and/or gets married because of the crisis pregnancy. The third choice represents single parenting. And the fourth choice represents adoption. Someone always gets hit by the car. What would you choose?

Monday, November 28, 2011


I consider myself a strong woman. I'm not sure what others think, but that doesn't matter to me a whole lot. After losing 4 children (if you're just starting to read my blog you should go back to the very first post to understand the story) as I was saying, after losing four children there's nothing left to be but strong. I won't lie I had my down moments (a lot of them around the holidays and loss dates and due dates as well) but everything happens for a reason. As a rps (recurrent pregnancy loss) survivor I can say that I understand what it's like to lose a child and what a body goes through and understand the feelings that women go through during this grieving time in their lives. Now I believe that losing one baby is discouraging and sad but most times you won't lose another child. And I like to reinforce that to people who ask me about my experience. Don't think because you lost one child it is going to happen again. Here was my own personal train of thoughts:
First pregnancy: excited! Scared: after the loss- we can try again!
Second pregnancy: surprise! But hopeful: after the loss- maybe something's wrong
Third pregnancy: (second round of clomid ad hormones) excited!! After the loss- devastated! Depressed at some point I didn't care what happened to me and I didn't want to get pregnant again. So we contemplated adoption!!
Fourth pregnancy: surprise! Depressed and scared. After the loss- after 3 specialists couldn't tell us what was wrong we had a come to Jesus talk and decided we would do everything in our power not to get pregnant again and decided adoption was best for us!

Now that may be different for everyone. But these three and a half years have been a roller coaster for us. And you would think after that crazy ride we would take a break, but here we are on the adoption roller coaster! It definitely has its twists and turns but we know it will all be worth it in the end! Thanks so much to all of our readers for the prayers and for sharing our blog and all the encouragement!!! We appreciate you all and can't wait to meet the little bundle of joy that will help complete our family!!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving! & Understanding Adoption

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I hope everyone got their tummies full!!! I thought I'd start off this blog by telling what I'm thankful for. First and most importantly I thank God for giving me another healthy day on this earth! Without him, nothing is possible! Next, I'm thankful for my four angel babies in heaven. I think about them everyday! Not a second goes by that I don't miss them. I pray they are watching over their mommy and daddy and having fun with their Great Grandma Mary and Great Grandpa Walter.  I also pray that they are watching over their future little brothers and/or sisters. I hope we find them soon! I'm also thankful for my family. Even though we aren't together today I still miss and love them!! I'm especially thankful for my husband. He's stuck beside me through thick and thin. I think we've been through more trials and tribulations than most couples, especially ones our ages. I'm also very thankful for the support system we've had since we've began our journey towards adoption. We've had lots of help, encouragement and advice and we wouldn't be where we are without those people! (Shout out to Jessica and Felicia!)

On to other matters.

A lot of people don't understand adoption. I really think that is why they don't choose adoption. For example, some people think that if you choose adoption you will never see your child again. WRONG!! Unless you choose what is called a "closed adoption" you will get to see your child again. We would LOVE an "open adoption"!!! We want your child to know who you are and how much you love them. We want the child to know as early as possible that they are adopted. As far as the adoption we would like (in a perfect world that is) we would like to have visits once a quarter (every three months) and we want to send letters and emails and photos as often as you would like!

Now we realize this isn't a perfect world and some people prefer a specific type of adoption. We are open to either. But even if you choose a closed adoption we want to leave the door open in case you change your mind.

We don't know where our future birthmother and child are but we can't wait to meet them!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Another Q & A!

I came across a few questions that I didn't answer in my last Q&A and I think they're really important and deserve an answer.

Q: Will you be a stay at home mom?
A: Yes! There's nothing I would rather do! I consider myself very lucky that I do work from home and that I have a loving husband that works outside the home to support us!

Q: Do you have any family traditions you hope to carry on?
A: Yes. We do an alternating routine with holidays but we hope to start a new one when we find our little one. We want both of our families to come to us and have everyone spend time all together.

Q: Do you have any weekly/monthly family get togethers, date nights etc. ?
A: We live about two hours in opposite directions of extended family so we try to get together with them at least once or twice a month. We do try to have a date night every week. Cody is a die-hard Arkansas fan so he watches his football on Saturdays, so we try to do dinner out at least once a week and maybe a movie. But we make it a point to have dinner together every night. We think its really important to have that time just to see how we are and talk about our days.

Q: Do you have family/friends near you?
A: Yes! We have lots of friends that are 5-30 min away. My immediate family is about 2 hours away but when we do find our child I know they will be up all the time!! We do have Cody's family in town so they will be around constantly. Needless to say there will be lots of love for this child!

Q: What would adopting a child mean to you? (This is a VERY good question)
A: Adopting a child to us, means more than just completing our family. It fills our hearts with a new love that we get to experience. It's a new journey for us as a family. We will be responsible for a life and how they turn out. It means late nights, dirty diapers, temper tantrums, fights, homework, sports, smiles, hugs, kisses, and lots of love! And we couldn't be more excited about it!! We have lots of love to give and there won't be a day that goes by that that child won't know that she/he is loved!! We can't wait to start this new journey!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Rant and Update

As it gets closer & closer to the holidays, we get more anxious and feel a little more defeated. This will be our 4th holiday season together and we are still without a child. Some of you may be able to recall in earlier posts that last Thanksgiving I was pregnant (about 2 months, it was our third pregnancy) and that was quite possibly the best holiday we as a family have had together. But I lost the baby about a week and a half later. You can imagine how our Christmas was. (sorry for the little pity party there) Here it is almost another year later and another angel baby lost. We find ourselfs hopeful because God has lead us to adoption but still slightly disappointed because he hasn't led us to our baby or led our baby to us. But we know it will be in his time. On another note, I came up with an adoption shirt design for us that I hope to get done soon that will have our adoption profile website. I will post a pic when it's finished. I find myself more and more like a Scrooge lately when I see moms not taking care of their children or pawning them off on someone else so they can party. Ugh that makes me mad. (Rant over) lol. As far as an update goes, we still get tips here and there from kind hearted people that see our situation and want to help. We just try to stay positive and wake up and pray that today will be the day we get that phone call or email. We really appreciate all the prayers and kind words and a special thanks to all those that give us tips and help us!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

What We've Learned About Adoption

Someone asked me today what we've learned about adoption. To be quite honest, I never thought it would be me. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. I always felt like that was plan B. I thought that once I found "the one" all that was left to do was to have a family. We've been married for almost 3 years and after 4 miscarriages, adoption is now plan A. And we're exctatic!!! We know the wait will be worth it to have that little bundle of joy. And although we are not using an agency (long story short we see better things that the money that we would pay an agency can go to ie: college, emergency medical issues things like that)  and we just have our adoption lawyer and it may take a little while longer it's still worth it. The nursery and shopping keep me busy so I pray we find a little one as soon as its ready!! lol wishful thinking I guess.  Another couple questions we get frequently are: Have you tried ivf, iui's, surrogacy or any other means of having your own biological child? The answer for all of the following is: No. We never got cleared by any of our specialists to have ivf or anything like that because the three specialists we went to could never find a "cause" for our infertility. So as it stands we have "Unexplained Inferitilty". We have been on 2 rounds of  clomid and hormone treatments and they helped us concieve but there has never been a reason found for my inability to carry. As far as surrogacy goes, the way we see it, some thing has to be abnormal with us to cause us to miscarry and we do not want to put another woman through that kind of physical and emotional pain. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that it was my fault so here we are looking to adopt. :D  We couldn't be more excited about this journey. Another question we get (sorry for jumping all over the place lol) is about going through dhs. As far as I know the state I live in does not foster to adopt. And you cannot adopt a child that is younger than a year old. You can foster one, but not adopt. We do not have the hearts to take a child in only to have them taken away, so we have chosen not to foster. (Big ups to women that can do that!) We have no preferences ( I get asked that alot too) We don't care if the child we adopt looks like us or has medical issues. ( We aren't equipped to take care of a child with severe special needs though) We will love any child that God brings to us or that God leads us to no matter what. Blood and DNA don't make you a mother. UPDATE: We have gotten a few tips that could possibly lead us to our future child and we have friends that have our profiles and of course our lawyer, so hopefully we will find our little bundle of joy soon!! Thank you to all that continue to pray and inbox me with kind words it means the world!!!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Man's perspective

The man's perspective of adoption is alot like the woman's I suppose. I want children I guess around 2 or 3 but if more come then so be it. We have been through alot in the 2 years of marriage. As you all already know we have lost 4 angels. I know they watch over us every second of everyday. I love our angel babies. One day we will tell our children about our struggle and how the will always have there brothers or sisters watching over them. I think that this blog has helped becca through alot that she's been through the past years and hopefully one day soon I can see her eye's light up with joy when she holds our baby boy/girl. I know she thinks us losing the babies hasn't effected me but it has. I have just learn to trust god and his decisions. It hurts but I know there in a lot better place, maybe a lot earlier then maybe we think but no matter what they will always be in our heart and on our mind. I believe that adoption is a great thing. I wish abortion was illegal because in my eye's it's legal murder. I know we will see our little one sometime soon.  

Monday, October 31, 2011


Everyone has their idea of what makes someone brave. They will fight anyone. They will stay alone in dark woods. They watch scary movies alone. My opinion of bravery is an angel mom! She begins her pregnancy. She falls in love with the thought. She feels her baby move and a love grows within her. Some hold their babies... even look at their smiling face. But somewhere along the way fate takes a nasty turn. Mommy's dreams are shattered. But she rises up. She eventually puts her happy face on and she takes on the world again. If that's not bravery... I just dont know what is ♥ - Cailey James

I saw this on a friend of mine's page and completely agree. People often tell me how strong I am. It is because of my 4 angels that I am this strong. I know one day we will be reunited and I look forward to it. I like to think that they are watching over their mommy and daddy and future siblings. I find myself nesting a lot lately, even though we haven't found our child yet. It makes me even more anxious to meet him or her! We're working on the nursery again tomorrow. It won't be long before it's finished. And to be honest, that scares me a little. I wonder if we will find him/her before it's finished. It will be hard to walk past a semi finished (due to not knowing a gender) nursery without a baby inside. Anyways... I tried to talk Cody into doing a blog tonight. I think everyone would be interested in his point of view. Well, he wasn't interested. lol He's had a long day at work so I think I'll bug him about it tomorrow lol.

I found myself looking at the journal I started before our last miscarriage. It took me back to a dark place. Then a happier one. It's crazy how in two months things can change and someone can feel so many emotions. But I'm glad that we are on the path we are on now. I know that my emotions are probably going to be just as crazy as they were then, but I pray it has a happier ending...

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Research & Other things..

The past few days I have been doing a little bit of research. The state I live in has the 8th highest teen pregnancy rate! IN my state there are close to 4500 abortions performed annually! I am personally pro life. Even before we decided to adopt. So reading that really spun me for a loop. I'm not sure how much of that number is teen abortions but its still 4500 too many in my opinion. Everyday (it seems) someone I know finds out they're pregnant. I have people from ages 12+. I wonder sometimes why some people who seem to not have much to do with the children they already have continue to keep having them. I live in a small town where it seems like pregnancy is in the water. There are girls in high school pregnant just as I'm sure there are everywhere and I cant help but wonder why!? In research I have found in teens that have girls, those girls 75% of them will grow up and become teen mothers themselves. Why is this? Statistics show that It's all in how they are raised. Just some food for thought...I've been working on onsies and bibs for our future little one the past few days (gender neutral of course) I can't wait until we find him or her!!! I keep having a dream about a little girl. (not sure what it means) I never get to see her face though :(  Hopefully we will make more progress on the nursery this week! We thank everyone who has been following along with us on this journey! I can't wait until the day when he/she gets to meet all of you!!!! A question I have gotten recently: Do you have names picked out?  Answer : YES!!! But I am keeping them under wraps for the time being!!! :D Thank you to those who continue to pray for us!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

4 am random baby rant.

It's 4 am. Its been a LONG hard day. I just finished up some work and I find myself thinking. (big surprise to those that know me) For those that don't, I actually think about a lot of things that some (i think) don't really think about. You never truly realize how insensitive the human race is until you are put in a sensitive situation. As many of you know I am still very sensitive around pregnant people. I choose not to be around them, not because I'm just an insensitive person, I do it because if I don't I turn into a mess of a person and who wants to be around that? It's very hard being in a family where people are having babies left and right and thats all anyone wants to talk about and don't really care that you're standing right there. It's especially hard being around family that you don't see very often and the last time they saw you, you were pregnant. Ugh then comes all the questions. "Awh where's the baby?" That sort of thing. For me personally, I HATE having to tell my story over and over again especially face to face with other people. But anyways, today I have found myself feeling completely discouraged. (i hate feeling sorry for myself) A person can only handle so much! We're taking everything one day at a time, but as it gets closer to the holidays I get more anxious to have our little one here with us already. I wish we knew where he/she was! I also found myself thinking about my angel babies again today. I wonder if they look like me, what genders they are, and if they're watching over us and their future sibling. (sorry for all the randomness) I've been trying to think of something to blog about lately, but theres just so much I needed to say I might as well get it all out at once. I've decided I want to keep everything on here as real as possible. I want people to see just exactly what I, personally go through and what we as a couple go through living life after miscarriage and with our new journey of adoption. It's not easy. I like to think I'm very strong, but when I'm alone it's hard to keep everything together. I can't speak for my husband though. Today has just been one wrong thing happening to us after another. We had a tip on an adoption and it fell through and a whole lot of other things that just piled one on top of the other. On another note: When we go to the store we always try to pick up a few things for the future baby so far we've got some diapers, dr brown bottles, pacifiers, soaps and lotions. I get a little sad when I look at our mini stockpile of baby stuff, but I have faith that we will find our little one soon, well I hope soon! I think that going through adoption is a lot like being pregnant, emotionally I mean. It's very draining. You have your good days and your bad days. I feel like an emotional wreck today. Ugh but it's a new day and another day to research. As I re read through what I have written so far I can already say that when we do find our little one this post is going to be one I look back on and smile because I know I need to feel this way and it will all be worth it. Thank you to those continuing to pray for us, we really appreciate it! And please continue to share our blog with friends.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

A New Day...

Today has been one of those days that I really wonder where our little one can be. I'm so impatient already. It's so hard not knowing when we will find him/her. I just have to keep telling myself to breath and take it one day at a time. But in the meantime it helps (and sometimes hurts) to buy things for him or her. Our stockpile of diapers is getting higher and higher every time I look at it. I will be making alot of his/her's clothing so we aren't really stocking up on clothes. Just mostly sleep sacks and gender neutral things. We finally decided on a carseat as well!!! Can't wait until it comes in!! It's so hard to find swings and things that are gender neutral so we're holding off on those. Still working on the nursery. Part of me wants it to get finished. (as much as can be done until we know a gender) The other part knows that I will be sad once it is finished until we find a baby to put inside.  (sorry about the "feeling sorry for myself" vibe) We've gotten a few tips lately from some people who read our blog (please share with friends!!!) So we'll be looking into that this week. Talked to our lawyer again the other day so that put my mind at ease about somethings. I hope we find our special bundle of joy soon. (Side note) I keep having dreams about a baby girl. (which everyone knows is what I really want lol not that I  dont want a boy, Just prefer a little girl first) But anyways, maybe that is a good sign! It's been a tough day for me. I don't think things like this really affect Cody. I know he is ready to find our baby but he's more patient than I am. Today really made me think about the holidays. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be our 4th together. (I was pregnant at thanksgiving last year but had lost the baby before christmas) It saddens me to think that we will have to spend more holidays as an incomplete family. I pray we don't, but those thoughts stick with you. I pray we find our baby before the holidays. I know our families are ready to meet him/her! Especially mine!!! All the prayers are much appreciated!!! And thank you again to all those that share and take time out to read our blog. Word of mouth is very powerful!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Preferences? And Adoption Update

Some people have recently asked me about our adoption preferences. (For those that don't know what I mean: it's what type of child we prefer to adopt) To be honest, we really don't have a preference for a child. Of course we would like a child that looks more like us so that they don't feel different. And every parent wants a healthy baby. We choose not to discriminate. If God leads us to a child that is a different race or has special needs we are more than ok with that. Yes we know that special needs children need more attention, but that is one of the reasons why I chose to be a stay at home mom. In our profile we list our preferences as: Open to : premies, drug exposed children, children with certain stds(that can be treated with medication), children with asthema and children with developemental delays. The ONLY specific preference we have is that we get a child from newborn-three months. We really want as much of the full experience as parents as we can get. We know that any child we are placed with will be special to us and loved far beyond imaginable! As far as the process goes right now, we looked into a special needs adoption site today and we still have our profile on we still haven't found that special bundle of joy just yet but we hope we find him/her soon!!!! Thanks to everyone that continues to follow our journey and pray for us! We really appreciate it!!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

National Infertility and Pregnancy day

Today has been a busy day. Today is the day that we take the time out to remember all the little angel babies that were called home all too soon. Looking back I know everything happens for a reason, but at the time you think it isn't fair. Today I attended a fundraiser for Ty, a little boy with blastoma (cancer) he's two years old and was diagnosed when he was only 1 month old. It makes me wonder if maybe that would've been our children. Maybe God took them because he knew we could handle the loss better if it happened earlier. I pray for that little boy! I hope he has a speedy and full recovery!!!! I pray for his parents as well. I've thought about our angel babies a lot today. I miss them so much! I've also been thinking about our future baby(ies) I can't wait to meet them either. I think about them all the time. I pray for all of you that are dealing with losses and dealing with infertility. Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope you continue to follow us on this journey and continue praying for us and our future little one! I hope God leads us to him/her soon!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Q & A Blog

Here are some frequently asked questions we have been getting lately:

Q: Why have you decided to adopt so early?
A: I have always known I was meant to be a mother. No matter what way that came about I know that that is what I am meant to do with my life. With all the infertilty issues we have had this early in our life, WHY NOT adopt?

Q: Are you guys' still trying to concieve?
A: No. But it's not to say we wouldn't be thrilled if one day God decided to bless us with a natural born child. (But we would love them the same!)

Q: What fertility problems/treatments have you done?
A: We have seen two specialists. I was unable to carry past 7 weeks. (the third time I carried the baby to ten weeks but it passed away when I was 7 weeks pregnant) We have been through routine treatments. I've had my (technical terms) uterus, tubes and cervix checked and everything has came back normal. I have been on Clomid and progesterone hormone. 2 rounds.

Q:Are you nesting?
A: I guess you can say we are. We buy a little here and there as if we were actually pregnant. The nursery will hopefully (fingers crossed) be finished soon! Well as much as can be done at the moment without knowing a gender. We buy gender neutral clothes (I love rubber duckies anyways) and we decided on black nursery furniture (which I love!!) for both themes. We also picked out paint colors! It's all starting to come together!!! Can't wait to put a baby inside!!!

Q:Do you plan to be a stay at home mom?
A: Yes!!! I can't imagine missing a second of our child's life!!

Q:How does Cody feel about the adoption?
A: Since this blog is mostly from my point of view on our story and how I personally deal with day to day living with our situation, I don't think I can really speak for him. I know that he is very excited and ready to be a daddy! I know he wants a little boy,(what man doesn't?) but he will be more than happy with a little princess! With him working full time on his job and me working from home it's mostly me doing the nesting. But he's very involved in the process and will be doing almost everything in the nursery lol! We both support each other everyday with our decision and CAN'T wait to be parents!!!

Q: What agency are you going through?
A: We have decided that we don't want to go through an agency just yet. We see it as the money (around 30,000 at most agencies) that is spent on an agency can be put towards a college fund or an emergency medical fund for the baby. So we have set up some profiles that anyone can view and have them through our family lawyer.

Q: What type of child are you guys' looking for?
A: A baby is a baby no matter what color their skin, hair, and eyes are. The only preference we really have is an infant between 0-3 months. We want that feeling that new parents get with an infant.

Q: What kind of adoption would you and your husband like?
A: I think a lot of adoptive parents want a closed adoption, and I can see why, but I also want our child to know where they came from and that they were adopted because they were loved so much and not that they weren't loved at all. We don't intend on keeping that secret from our child and we don't want them to feel out of place. We are very open to an open adoption where we would send pictures and letters once a month and exchange phone numbers and possible meet every once in awhile.

Q: How prepared are you and your husband for a baby?
A: I think we're probably overly prepared lol. Physically anyways. We are emotionally invested in our decision to adopt and will be even more invested in any child that is placed with us. We were both raised with great morals and in a house full of love and we can't wait to share those with a little one!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Nursery Update!!!

We are so excited to see the nursery finally starting to come together!!! We picked out paint colors today!!! Of course we can't buy anything for a certain gender because a baby hasn't been placed with us yet. But we have themes picked out for both genders and we have decided on black nursery furniture! I guess I'm nesting which stinks because we don't have a baby to put inside the nursery yet. :/ but we are prepared nonetheless for a child which makes me feel so excited and even more ready to be a mom! We looked at carseats and strollers today too but can't agree on which one to get. Any opinions on safety and quality? We picked up some cute pacifiers the other day too. Its so hard to shop gender-neutral! So much cute stuff for boys and girls!! Still crossing my fingers that we find that special bundle of joy soon! We are ready to give them all the love and attention they deserve!!! We will keep everyone updated with pictures as we finish the nursery, well get the furniture set up and a general layout set up!!! Thank you for all the prayers and kind words!!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Hardest Part of Trying to Adopt

Alot of people have asked me this lately. To me, the hardest part of trying to adopt is the waiting. I'm sure once we find a baby it will be worrying that the birthmother could change her mind. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm a very impatient person already lol, but I'm very ready for this new part of our lives. We both are. Finding a baby has literally taken over my life lol. I'm so thankful for all the kind words and prayers everyone has been sending our way and I do intend to keep this blog updated throughout our journey and even after we do find a child.(which is hopefully VERY soon lol) To all who read this blog you are more than welcome to share it with your friends! And thank you for the prayers and kind words.

Monday, October 3, 2011

For Friends of People dealing with the loss of a child

As someone who didn't have many friends any of the times I miscarried, (I pushed everyone away) I now know that having someone there to cry on their shoulder is very important. Through my own experiences I aways found it best to take a few days for myself. To grieve on my own. It's then very important to talk to your significant other. See how their feeling as well. (remember they lost a child as well) I'm not a doctor, but talking with Cody(my husband) may have helped me to not necessarily move on, but to get to the next stage of grieving. If your friend has what to expect (the pregnancy one) there is a chapter at the end that really helped me to deal with miscarrying. There are many stages to the grieving process. So don't get discouraged if they don't want to talk or hang out for a week or so. (Small Rant) We hate being told that it's not our fault and that it just wasn't meant to be and God has better plans. We know this, it's just accepting it that makes us upset. My advice (but like I said everyone is different) is to listen. There's not really a right thing to say. Just be there for them. It helps more than you think. But if it ever comes to a point (I say about a month) that they just aren't talking to anyone or just laying in the bed all day, that's the time to give them a good kick in the pants! I really needed that. That's the time when you should start being positive and try to get them out into the world doing activities or really just socializing with other people. (I think my facebook got decactivated lol) Remind them that worse things can happen and that you can always try again. (unless they are in my situation) Then there's always adoption. It takes time to come to terms with dealing with the fact that you can never have your own biological children as well so that's another time to listen. But 9 times out of 10 you can always try again and everything will turn out ok. Bottom line: Don't talk. Just Listen!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Letter to Future Baby

Dear Future Baby,

      Hi, I'm your mommy! I cannot wait to meet you and hold you in my arms! I think about you so much and I'm not even sure where you are right now. I know you will be beautiful or handsome, no matter what color your skin, hair, and eyes are! I can't wait to decorate your nursery. If you're a girl of course your nursery will be zebra. We haven't decided on colors yet but I have a general idea. If you're a boy your daddy says your room will be razorback lol. He wants a giant wall mural on all the walls of a stadium and a rug that looks like a football field. (I think he'll spend more time in there than you) lol. We picked out a room for you today. I wish we knew what you were so that I could start decorating. (mommy's a shopaholic) lol you'll learn that soon enough. I promise you will never want for anything. It may come back to bite us in the butt, but hey you're our first. We promise we won't spoil you for too long lol. I can't speak for your grandparents though! I'm not sure what my mom wants you to call her but she will probably spoil you the most! You might not see much of her because she lives a couple hours away but I promise she will still find a way to spoil you! lol Have I told you how much we can't wait to meet you?! lol It's all we think and talk about. I wish we knew when we would meet you. I know I will make a good mommy. Mommy works from home so you will see her alllll the time! Daddy works weird hours so there's not a set schedule for him but I promise he will always make time for you! And on saturdays, during football season boy or girl you will be decked out in your razorback gear sitting on the couch watching football with daddy! We decided today that when you are finally ours we are having a shower for you! We want you to meet all your future friends and mommy and daddy's friends! Hopefully they will all fall in love with you like we already have!! (Even though we don't know you yet) We Love you sooooooo much sweetheart and we cannot wait to meet you! I hope God leaves us to you soon!! Mommy sucks at being patient!!!

                                      Love Always,

Saturday, October 1, 2011

What Do We Look Forward To The Most About Being Parents.

"Biology is the least of what makes you a mother"- Oprah Winfrey

I will never look at my child and think that this is my adopted child. They will always be OUR child. No matter what color their skin, hair and eyes are, I will love them as if I had carried them myself! I cannot wait for that first smile! I swear I'm going to be a big crybaby the first time I hold our new child lol. I look forward to spending everyday changing diapers, not sleeping, playing peekaboo and of course dressing him or her up!! I cannot wait for him or her to meet our families. This would be my immediate family's first grandchild! So my mom would finally be Granny or grandma or whatever she wants to be lol and my sister and brother would be an aunt and uncle. This would be Cody's sides 4th grandchild. But our neice and nephew's first cousin! I can't wait for all of them to play together!! I'm sure I will be kissing alot of boo boos with how they play lol! I struggle with when to tell him or her that they are adopted and how (if they have a different ethnic background) to explain to my neice and nephews as well.But hopefully that's not in the near future lol (well I hope the child is in the near future!) I'm not really sure what Cody looks forward to, but I know he can't wait to be a daddy. He talks about it almost as much as I do!!!  I know he really hopes we can adopt a little boy so he can have his little man to teach sports to. lol  I know he would love a little princess. A big thank you to all of you who read this! We really appreciate it!!! I hope it helps someone in need and possibly leads us to our future child(ren)!!!! Thank you for your kind words and prayers!!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

What Makes Us Think We Would Make Good Parents?

Some people look at us and all they see is a young couple. Yes I'm 20 and Cody is 23 but that still doesn't change anything that we have been through. Everything has made us and our marriage stronger. I do belive that I was born to be a mother. I love knowing that I have had a helping hand in raising my neice and nephews. Everytime I'm around them my maternal instinct just kicks in. Now I'm definately not saying I know everything. ( What mom does?)  But I am confindent that I know I can raise a child.  I picture myself kissing the boo boos and being overprotective lol. Cody on the other hand lol he's still pretty new to things. He hates changing diapers. ( we keep our nephew michael he's 4 months)  but I guess alot of men are like that? lol  But he loves making silly faces at Michael. I know that he will make a great daddy though. I picture him being a big crybaby when we finally bring our son or daughter home. Cody is very hard working and loves to support us. We thought about buying nursery furniture today but decided against it. We aren't exactly sure just yet about where we would want the baby to sleep. I say baby because we are looking to adopt a baby under a year old. I can honestly say adoption has somewhat taken my mind off of our infertility. We're still checking around for that special little one.  We hope to find him or her ( I really want a little girl lol but I'm definately not picky) very soon!!! We appreciate all the info we have been getting especially from Mrs. Kayla! She's definately helped us out a lot! I updated our adoption profile with more information and pictures so hopefully we will hear from someone soon! Thank you for your prayers!!! I welcome all questions anyone may have!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Life After Miscarriage

Some people ask the question what's it like after you have a miscarriage. But more people are afraid to ask. I don't mind sharing my story(ies). The first time I miscarried, I didn't actually know what was happening. I just knew it was scary and didn't feel right. (Call it maternal instinct) The wait was agonizing! And they still couldn't tell me that that was what was happening to me. The following week when we went to our OB and he confirmed it, we were devestated. I don't think I ate for about three days, I don't think I even left the bed. But as time went on I kept thinking that the next time would be fine and that everything would work out. The second time I miscarried it was kind of a surprise because I didn't have the same symptoms (the bleeding and cramps). So I took a pregnancy test and when it came up positive that's when I knew what had happened. A blood test confirmed that I had miscarried around 6 weeks. ( All of my miscarriages were in first trimester) That one hurt but I guess since it was somewhat of a surprise it didn't bother me as much. 6 months later when we decided that we wanted to find out what was going on the fertility specialist put me on a daily progesterone hormone and clomid(fertility drug that helps you release eggs) . It didn't work the first month but we found out it had the second month. This was possibly the hardest miscarriage on me. We heard the heart beat at 5 wks 3 days  it was in the 150s.  My heart melted! I was on cloud 9. I just knew everything was going to be ok. Until I had that all too familiar sign of miscarriage. (spotting) I was scared to death! (i was 10 weeks at this time) after the 12 emergency room trip we went home with no answers. They just told us that we had lost the baby at 7 weeks and it was deciding to expell itself now. This time was similar to the loss of the first angel baby. But at that time Cody's sister was pregnant too (8 weeks ahead of us) I locked myself in our room and didn't leave for at least a week. I literally wanted to die. I went through a serious depression for about 6 months. I think I deleted everyone on my facebook that said anything about having a baby or posted pictures of babies. I guess it got easier with time. I threw myself into what is now my business so that helped take my mind off of things. This last miscarriage was a surprise (like the second one) but I knew I was pregnant. By that time I knew we would never be able to have our own children. It took time to come to terms with that. We then decided it was time to look into adoption. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if all of them were here. I know that they are in a better place and everything happens for a reason (which that does get annoying to hear for those of you that tell people that and it doesn't help trust me)
angel baby #1 was due may 15th 2010  and angel baby # 3 was due july 11, 2011 and  angel baby #4 would've been due in feb. 2012. I do think about them alot. But I know my granny and Cody's grandpa are taking good care of them and are looking over us during this whole process of adoption. It helps to have a strong significant other. Even though I completely locked him out he still stuck by my side and each day gets a little bit easier. Those angels have made me who I am today.

We have recently done a new adoption Profile: Letter to Birthmother

Thank you so much for viewing our profile!First off, we wanted to tell you how much we admire your courage to choose adoption, we realize this isn't an easy decision for you. We wanted to give you a little information about us and our family. My name is Rebecca but everyone calls me Becca. And Cody is my Husband. We have been married for two and a half years, but have been together almost four years. I really did marry my best friend. We both share a love of children, animals and some sports. We have two dogs that stay inside. A toy chihuahua named Ray and a toy yorkie named Bentley. Sadly we have no children of our own. After years of trying to concieve and four miscarriages we just decided we wanted to be parents and that biology doesn't matter to us, so we have put everything in Gods hands and looked towards adoption! We have really high hopes that we will find a child or children to complete our family. We know that you are looking at this profile because you have made the hard, selfless decision to give up your child(ren). We are happy to send videos and pictures if you were to choose us and we would love to meet with you if you like.
About us:
My name is Becca. I was born in Little Rock, Arkansas. I have a little brother and sister. I grew up in a small town. I graduated with honors from my high school and was also a member of several clubs and a cheerleader. I also won a few awards. So I guess you could say I'm a smart cookie. I chose not to attend college right away. But I will be attending to get my degree in business. I own my own business making items for children and toddlers, my neice and nephews are so spoiled thanks to me.  I enjoy my work and LOVE animals, especially my two toy puppies ray and Bentley. I'm very silly at times, but I think I'm a laid back person.I have a kind heart full of love to give. I am a christian. I do belive in God. He has brought us to this decision and I thank him everyday.
  My name is Cody and I was born in Harrison,Arkansas. I'm 23 and will be finishing up my teaching degree and coaching licensure within the next year and a half. I love sports. Just football and baseball. I played in high school in Charleston, Arkansas, where I have been almost my whole life. I also love animals. I have two boxers, Tuff and Trixie. They're outside dogs though. I enjoy taking my nephew to football practice and playing video games with him. I am also a christian. I'm very hardworking and I enjoy supporting and taking care of my family.
We met through a mutual friend of ours and as cheesy as it sounds, it was love at first sight. We share many common interests. We are each others' best friends and love and support each other with everything we do. We got married June 20, 2009 and moved to New Boston, Texas where Cody got a job at a maximum security prison. We missed our families too much so we moved back to Charleston, Arkansas to be closer to them and spend more time with them. Our relationship is based on mutual respect,a great friendship, lots of love and commitment all things we wish to share with a child.
What we would like from adoption and our parenting styles:
We cannot have our own biological children. God has brought us to adoption. We have many friends and family who support us and our decisions. This would be Becca's side of the family's first grandchild and Cody's side this would be number 4. We are looking for the child(ren) to make our family complete. We both want two or three children, but at least one boy and a girl. I know we can provide a safe and loving home. Many have told us we would make great parents from what they have seen of us with our niece and nephews. I will be a stay at home mom. I don't want to miss a moment of his/her life! My business is from home as well. We are very safety concious. Neither of us smoke or drink but that is our preference. There are gates and things everywhere! We do want our child to know that they are adopted from the start. We plan to tell them that they grew in your belly but in our hearts, and that you loved them so much that you chose adoption, we want them to know that it is because of YOU that they are here and that you are very special to us, and when they are old enough if they want to know you we don't mind that at all. We plan to send pictures and videos if that is what you would like. We are very family oriented and have a large support system and can provide a stable, safe and loving home. We were both raised in a strongly structured homes and raised with morals that we intend to instill into our future children.
Thank you:
We want to thank you so much for reading our letter. We hope we answered a lot of your questions and gave you a little insight as to who we are and how much we cannot wait to complete our litte family. We wish you luck on your decision. If you have anymore questions you can contact us. We Cannot wait to meet you!
Becca- (479)965-5998
Cody- (479)965-5999

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What led us to this decision...

Alot of people have asked me why we've decided to go this route in our lives. Well, there's not really one answer to that question. In Arkansas, to adopt through DHS 1. you have a 1 year (possibly more) time period to pass a home study and get all your physicals done and be approved as an adoptive home. 2. You have to be 21. (which I understand but i also see myself as well beyond my years considering everything i have been through) And even after that one year period, you will not be able to adopt a child younger than 1 year of age. ( I hate not being able to have a child of my own but to miss those milestones hurts too) I know that makes me kind of picky(even more since I would love to have a little girl :) ) but I know if it came down to it i would love to have a little boy as well. Alot of people look at us and see two kids and think that we're healthy and that having a child should be no problem. (also another reason why we wont go through dhs) We have also decided not to go through an agency just yet. (although we have a few in mind) Agencies are very expensive and also take time to match you up with a POTENTIAL (i say this because a birthmother can still back out if she changes her mind) birthmother. We have decided that we would like to find an infant newborn-5months that way maybe things can go more smoothly. (once again my picky side comes out) Yes we do realize that this may never happen for us this way and we may have to go to an agency but this gives us time to save up if that were to happen or save money if it happens our way. I'm sure most mamas would agree that you want as much money as possible to spoil your child. But i still pray every minute of every day that some kind hearted, selfless person will call me or inbox me and say hey I'd love to give you my child (no matter the circumstances) or say hey i know someone who is thinking of signing over their rights because they feel unfit or whatever the circumstance might be. I guess I may be asking too much but hey a girl can dream! I just try to keep my positive attitude and stay away from situations that bring it down. I have thrown myself into my work (which I LOVE)  during the day and night and every second i get is spent searching for that one special little person. (cheesy i know) I love knowing that I have a supportive husband and friends that read this blog. You guys really make things seem less difficult. I know that I'm in a stressful situation but I'm sincerly grateful for everyone's kind words, thoughts, prayers and information even if I dont show it. So thanks :D

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

From the beginning...

Right now this is our family. (minus Bentley our 4mo old yorkie) Boo is our Chihuahua. she's 2 and Bentley is 4 months. They are like my children. (Spoiled!! :D note the dress she is wearing in the pic)
That's my husband Cody. He's my best friend. I love every second that we get to spend together. Even if it's spent fighting. Cody is 22. He will soon be finishing up school to be a history teacher and football coach. I love everything about him. He has been my rock through everything. He's a tough guy but on the inside he's a big softie. We've been together for almost 4 years. My name is Becca. I'm 20 years old. I'm a really stubborn person but I love to meet new people. My husband and I met through a mutual friend in March 2008. We had a whirlwind romance. Cheesy I know! I remember our first date, first kiss and everything before and after.
This was our wedding day. June 20, 2009.
This was the first day of our lives. Our beginning. We moved to New Boston, Tx in July 2009. Cody got a job working at a prison and I think I was working at a bank. In September of that year (after MONTHS of trying) we found out that we had gotten pregnant for the first time. We were so happy and excited. I went to the dr at about 5 weeks. Two days after that I started bleeding. One emergency room trip later we were told that there was a possibilty that I was losing our baby. A week later we went to our ob and he confirmed that I had lost the baby. I was devestated. I started crying on the spot. And all our doctor told us was that it happens all the time and not to worry that we would get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy. After losing my job from an inability to get out of bed i finally kicked myself into gear and decided we should try again to be sure. After missing my period a month later I was so excited to see that I was pregnant again. But before my first ob appt. I once again suffered a miscarriage. I knew that there had to be something wrong. But after 4months and two miscarriages my body was exhausted. We took a break for awhile and bought a house, I started my new business and 6 months later we decided to see a fertility specialist. At our first appointment our doctor put me on a daily progesterone hormone treatment and our first round of clomid. He told us not to get discouraged if it didnt take right away. The first month came and went and still no pregnancy. Then came time for the second month I took a pregnancy test that came up negative. Well a few days later my husband coaxed me into taking another test that I thought said negative but was actually a positive. That was October 2010. We scheduled our first ob appointment that very next day. After tons of blood work and examinations it was time for the ultrasound. It showed our baby at 5 weeks. My heart melted. But at the same time I was scared to death. At that time they couldn't see a heartbeat but told us that it might still be too early and scheduled another ultrasound for the following week. At 6 weeks and 3 days we finally heard our angel baby's heartbeat. It was in the 150s. That was all I needed to reassure me that this baby was going to be ok. My husband and I made the decision to move back home that next week. After all the packing and moving in December 2011 we were back home. The next day I started looking for an OB. I had scheduled an appointment with a doctor the 4th of january to get checked out. But sadly a week later (I was 10 weeks at this time) I saw an all too familiar sign of miscarriage. I immediately went back to the first two pregnancies and rushed to the hospital. After more bloodwork and tons of examinations they finally sent me back for an ultrasound. I prayed to hear a heartbeat. The nurse told me that I was only measuring at 7 weeks. I told her that that was impossible and she checked for a heartbeat but found nothing. She then told me that a doctor would see me soon. After hours of waiting and crying the doctor finally came in and said that I had lost our baby at 7 weeks and that it was deciding to expell its now and that it was a good thing because it saved me from having surgery. He then coldly left leaving us with that and no one able to answer our questions. After that experience I decided I was DONE trying. I didnt want anything to do with a child or anyone with one. (My sister in law was pregnant at the time 8 weeks ahead of me) I completely cut everyone off. Even the slightest reminder of a baby set me off. I became unbearable to live with. Thankfully my husband was there. Even though he didnt understand and I wouldn't talk to him he was still by my side. I love him for that. It still bothers me to this day when I see or hear people announce their pregnancies. A few months later I threw myself into my work. Which is now my new business. It helped take my mind off of things until I decided to start making infant and toddler items, which I thought was a HUGE mistake at first. But it was kind of my new therapy. I started spending more time with my neice and nephew. In may my sister in law had her baby and I went right back to my feelings in January. I shut everyone out again. I didnt even see my nephew the first month he was born. In May of this year we had a big surprise. We found out that we were pregnant for the 4th time. I was so scared. I made myself take it even easier. On June 27th I was on a cruise with my family I had miscarried again. This hasn't been the easiest journey but it has taught me alot about my life, God, marriage, and family. It wasn't a big surprise to me. I had suspected it would happen. It is now september. We've decided that we are not going to get pregnant again. We hope to adopt domestically on our own without going through an expensive agency. I've decided to start this blog so that the people we are close to can follow us on this new journey. I pray we find a child soon. I know I will make a wonderful mother and Cody will be a great father. There are not many selfless people in this world that will give up their flesh and blood for us but I keep my hopes up that some special birthmother will walk into our lives and bless us with her child. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this.  Keep us in your prayers. And any information you may have on a birthmother is always welcomed.