Some people ask the question what's it like after you have a miscarriage. But more people are afraid to ask. I don't mind sharing my story(ies). The first time I miscarried, I didn't actually know what was happening. I just knew it was scary and didn't feel right. (Call it maternal instinct) The wait was agonizing! And they still couldn't tell me that that was what was happening to me. The following week when we went to our OB and he confirmed it, we were devestated. I don't think I ate for about three days, I don't think I even left the bed. But as time went on I kept thinking that the next time would be fine and that everything would work out. The second time I miscarried it was kind of a surprise because I didn't have the same symptoms (the bleeding and cramps). So I took a pregnancy test and when it came up positive that's when I knew what had happened. A blood test confirmed that I had miscarried around 6 weeks. ( All of my miscarriages were in first trimester) That one hurt but I guess since it was somewhat of a surprise it didn't bother me as much. 6 months later when we decided that we wanted to find out what was going on the fertility specialist put me on a daily progesterone hormone and clomid(fertility drug that helps you release eggs) . It didn't work the first month but we found out it had the second month. This was possibly the hardest miscarriage on me. We heard the heart beat at 5 wks 3 days it was in the 150s. My heart melted! I was on cloud 9. I just knew everything was going to be ok. Until I had that all too familiar sign of miscarriage. (spotting) I was scared to death! (i was 10 weeks at this time) after the 12 emergency room trip we went home with no answers. They just told us that we had lost the baby at 7 weeks and it was deciding to expell itself now. This time was similar to the loss of the first angel baby. But at that time Cody's sister was pregnant too (8 weeks ahead of us) I locked myself in our room and didn't leave for at least a week. I literally wanted to die. I went through a serious depression for about 6 months. I think I deleted everyone on my facebook that said anything about having a baby or posted pictures of babies. I guess it got easier with time. I threw myself into what is now my business so that helped take my mind off of things. This last miscarriage was a surprise (like the second one) but I knew I was pregnant. By that time I knew we would never be able to have our own children. It took time to come to terms with that. We then decided it was time to look into adoption. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if all of them were here. I know that they are in a better place and everything happens for a reason (which that does get annoying to hear for those of you that tell people that and it doesn't help trust me)
angel baby #1 was due may 15th 2010 and angel baby # 3 was due july 11, 2011 and angel baby #4 would've been due in feb. 2012. I do think about them alot. But I know my granny and Cody's grandpa are taking good care of them and are looking over us during this whole process of adoption. It helps to have a strong significant other. Even though I completely locked him out he still stuck by my side and each day gets a little bit easier. Those angels have made me who I am today.
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