Sunday, October 27, 2013

It's been awhile...

I think the title says it all on this one. So much has happened since my last post here.  What was once a place to vent my frustrations about infertility and the adoption process will now be used for updates on our newest addition to our family! Yes you read that correctly! For those of you who aren't friends of mine on Facebook, you are very much out of the loop. As of May 11, 2013 we are the proud parents of a handsome baby boy! I will dedicate my next post to his birth story, but I wanted to update our blog with all of the newest updates. First off, his name is Carter, he has the face of an angel (I know how corny) he was born smiling. Not a minute goes by that he does smile. He is 5 1/2 months old and is a big, long and healthy active little man! But like I said there will be many other posts dedicated to him. Although you all know my dreams for a daughter god knew we needed a son first. I still have dreams about a beautiful baby girl, so maybe she will join our family soon! ;)

Saturday, January 12, 2013


It's no secret what my husband and I have been through. It's also no secret that I can handle a lot before I break down. That much is true except when it comes to pregnancy, miscarriage, my angel babies and adoption. I hold all of those things very near and dear to me. They are a huge part of my life and that will never change. Although a new piece has been added to my heart (Carter) he will never know the pain that we went through to get to him. Although he isn't here yet I love him as if I created him. That being said, it still gets hard to be around other pregnant women. I know many of you may think "why are you still upset when you are adopting?" Like I said I love him already but it will never be the same. And I can't stress enough that I couldn't love him more even if I created him. It's just different. I have maybe a handful of people I can truly call my friends. It's a tough job. I have mood swings I get angry sometimes. I cry for what seems like no reason at all. But there is always a reason. What people don't understand is I am always happy for new moms, I may not always show it, but trust me I am. Nothing will be as wonderful as holding Carter for the first time and him officially being apart of our family. That still doesn't make it easy to hear about how hard your baby is kicking or what hurts or what you are craving etc. My husband will say its like walking on eggshells around me sometimes. He's right. Although my heart will never be completely healed it is slowly mending thanks to the beautiful blessing god and our birthmom are giving us. I'm glad for the true friends that have stuck by my side throughout this journey. There's so much more good times to come.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Meet Carter!!!

Here are a few pictures of Mr. Carter at 18 weeks. He is almost 22 weeks!!!

He is certainly all boy!!!

Little legs

 Still slightly alien like.

He has already stolen our hearts!!!
We will not be sharing our birth mother's name or location so in other blogs we may refer to her as baby mama. We are so blessed to have her in our lives. She has answered so many prayers. Please continue to pray for her and Carter. We hope he makes a safe arrival and all goes well!!!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Things you should never say to an Angel Parent

Miscarriage is an easier topic to ignore than to talk about for many people. It tooks a long time for me to personally talk about it myself. The problem with not talking about it is that the parents suffering from the loss of their angel baby(ies) often feel alone and unsupported. Which is understandable considering most of us have friends that haven't lost a child. But just saying I'm sorry is better than saying nothing at all. Most people do mean well even if they say things that they probably shouldn't, but it still doesn't mean it hurts any less. I've heard a few of these things myself and a few I found online or from other friends that have had things said to them and I wanted to share them with you all.

* "I know what you're going through." I think this one is the most common. I despise hearing this. If it is from someone else who has miscarried and actually does understand it adds more pain (my personal feelings). But some women find it comforting to hear that they aren't the only ones that have experienced this type of loss. Now hearing this coming from someone who hasn't been through this type of loss can be very hurtful and in my case, make you more angry.

* "You can always try again." While this is true, you don't get pregnant hoping you will have to try again because you miscarried. Although most women that do miscarry go on to have healthy pregnancies in the future. I personally still mourn all four of my angel babies.

* "Be grateful for the children you do have." I personally don't have any other children, but I imagine that even if I did it wouldn't hurt any less.

* "At least you weren't further along in the pregnancy." No matter how far along in your pregnancy you are still mourning the loss of your child. It may be harder on your body to miscarry later on in the pregnancy, but it still doesn't hurt any less emotionally.

* "It wasn't a real baby just a fetus." I personally haven't heard this one either, but I personally do consider a fetus a baby. For me as soon as I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, there was a "real" baby growing inside of me.

* "At least you didn't know your baby." To me that was added pain. It hurt more knowing that I will never know my angel babies. I love all of them and have since the day I found out about them.

* " It's probably for the best" It takes everything I have not to tear into someone who says this. And yes I have personally heard this one. There are many different reasons women miscarry, some are unknownl. But who exactly was this loss the best for? Me? You? My angel baby? This is most certainly the WORST thing you could ever say to an angel parent!!!

* "It won't happen again." I took solace in this statement. After my first miscarriage my ob told me that most women miscarry at least once in their lives, whether they know it or not and that once my body healed I would most likely carry a healthy full term pregnancy. Most of you know that that is not the case with my husband and I. But thinking this after each miscarriage definitely made it harder after each angel I lost.

* "After so many miscarriages you should be used to it." I angrily typed that phrase. That is another one that I have personally gotten. I will only say this once. YOU NEVER GET USED TO LOSING YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! And in my opinion anyone that says this to your face has just given you permission to rearrange theirs!

* "Move on, it's not the end of the world." Grieving is a different process for every person. The timing isn't the same and neither are the emotions. It is very important to grieve.

* "There must have been something wrong with the baby." Just because the baby died, doesn't mean that there was something wrong with the baby. There are so many things that have to go a certain way to have a healthy pregnancy and carry a baby to full term.

* "It happened because..." Most women like myself find themselves blaming themselves for the loss of their baby, even if a cause is known, I always wondered what if I had done something different. No one knows why I lost my angels and to hear someone else tell me this is why you did is extremely hurtful.

Moral of the story: If you don't understand or know what you're talking about keep your mouth shut and just say "I'm sorry".

Sorry for the long post. I just realized that I hadn't written an in depth post about this. Some of these phrases still get to me like I lost my babies yesterday, but the pain has lessened in time. Thanks for reading. If you have lost an angel baby I'm more than happy to listen and share my experience with you if you like. I hope that everyone takes this post to heart.

Thank you to those that continue to pray for us. We hope to find our baby soon!!!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I'm still here :)

For those that read my blog regularly. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. There still isn't much to update. We are still trying to adopt privately and hope that we find our baby girl soon! We thank you do much for keeping us in your prayers! And an even bigger thanks to those who continue to spread the word about us. It will lead us to our forever babies even faster!!! We appreciate all your kind words of encouragement and support!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Still Hoping to Adopt!

Sorry I haven't been updating as frequently as I said I would. With planning two weddings and spending time with my baby sister I haven't had much time. We now have one wedding out of the way and I have a little more free time. Now for the update! I get asked all the time if we are still trying to adopt. The answer to that: a big fat YES!! Yes we get a little more discouraged everytime an adoption falls through but we still have hope!! We really appreciate everyone who is still spreading the word about us trying to adopt! Word of mouth is the most powerful way to get word out. We also love all the compliments we get on our window decal with our profile website!!! We hope to find our forever baby soon!!! We are still working on the nursery (pics coming soon) I'm not ready to unveil it until it's completely ready!! But we have decided to plan around a baby girl!! ( so yes I'm very excited!!!) We won't reveal her name until we have her in our arms though. (Sorry to disappoint!!) But we are still stockpiling on gender neutral clothes and diapers etc.  We will definitely be ready when she makes her appearance!!! I'm sorry there isn't much to update but please keep the prayers coming!!! We really appreciate them!!!! Thanks everyone!!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Lonely Silence

I know I said I wouldn't stay away so long, but I did have good reason. We recently had another failed adoption. Just typing those words almost brings me to tears. This was further into the process than any other adoption we have pursued so I think I can say this one hurt the most. I won't go into all of the details but long story short a mutual friend came to me about her friend's situation and said she was pregnant with twin girls due in a couple months. She let us choose the names etc and we got ready for two babies. Our world was perfect for a little while. She ended up going into premature labor and found out that baby b was born asleep she weighed 2lbs 6oz. Baby a was born heathy 6lbs 2oz. However we couldn't get to her so she said she would come to us when she was medically cleared to travel. (Should've been red flag number 1) We immediately called our lawyer and had him start on the paperwork. She was all set to travel when baby girl was 3 weeks old. We didn't want any pictures until after we met her. We were all set to bring home a one month old baby girl! (Carseat installed, diaper bag ready at the drop of a hat everything)The week before the scheduled court date, she arrived to where she was staying and said she wanted to meet us and let us meet baby girl. Long story short she found every excuse not to meet with us. When the day came to go to court she was nowhere to be found. And I had a friend telling me how beautiful our baby girl was and how she couldn't wait to see her with us. (big slap in the face when I had to tell her that we would never be bringing her home because the birthmom changed her mind) So here we are yet again ready for baby but with empty arms dealing with the lonely silence. I promised myself that last year would be the last year that I would spend my birthday childless, but it looks as though that may not happen. My birthday is in exactly 29 days. It really would take a miracle to make me "physically" a mommy by then. But hey, miracles happen everyday I guess. This adoption has hurt but I know I will heal. I've really noticed who my real friends are here lately. I know I've been in some pretty dark places and haven't been the most positive person to be around, but the real friends have stuck by me. As far as how my husband is handling things, he's always been the stronger one of us when it comes to emotions, and as much as he has always wanted a baby boy, I know this little girl had him wrapped around her finger from the moment we heard about her. I really think this adoption has hurt him very much as well. It has been so wonderful to have all of your support and kind words, even when the last thing I want is to be positive I look back on those words and really appreciate all the wonderful people I have been blessed with. Although I know it isn't my timing, I sure do wish we would find a baby soon!! I hope I have answered everyone's questions and I really do promise to try to keep everyone updated more often. Thank you for your kind words and continued prayers! I hope to have better news to update soon!!