Saturday, August 11, 2012

Things you should never say to an Angel Parent

Miscarriage is an easier topic to ignore than to talk about for many people. It tooks a long time for me to personally talk about it myself. The problem with not talking about it is that the parents suffering from the loss of their angel baby(ies) often feel alone and unsupported. Which is understandable considering most of us have friends that haven't lost a child. But just saying I'm sorry is better than saying nothing at all. Most people do mean well even if they say things that they probably shouldn't, but it still doesn't mean it hurts any less. I've heard a few of these things myself and a few I found online or from other friends that have had things said to them and I wanted to share them with you all.

* "I know what you're going through." I think this one is the most common. I despise hearing this. If it is from someone else who has miscarried and actually does understand it adds more pain (my personal feelings). But some women find it comforting to hear that they aren't the only ones that have experienced this type of loss. Now hearing this coming from someone who hasn't been through this type of loss can be very hurtful and in my case, make you more angry.

* "You can always try again." While this is true, you don't get pregnant hoping you will have to try again because you miscarried. Although most women that do miscarry go on to have healthy pregnancies in the future. I personally still mourn all four of my angel babies.

* "Be grateful for the children you do have." I personally don't have any other children, but I imagine that even if I did it wouldn't hurt any less.

* "At least you weren't further along in the pregnancy." No matter how far along in your pregnancy you are still mourning the loss of your child. It may be harder on your body to miscarry later on in the pregnancy, but it still doesn't hurt any less emotionally.

* "It wasn't a real baby just a fetus." I personally haven't heard this one either, but I personally do consider a fetus a baby. For me as soon as I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, there was a "real" baby growing inside of me.

* "At least you didn't know your baby." To me that was added pain. It hurt more knowing that I will never know my angel babies. I love all of them and have since the day I found out about them.

* " It's probably for the best" It takes everything I have not to tear into someone who says this. And yes I have personally heard this one. There are many different reasons women miscarry, some are unknownl. But who exactly was this loss the best for? Me? You? My angel baby? This is most certainly the WORST thing you could ever say to an angel parent!!!

* "It won't happen again." I took solace in this statement. After my first miscarriage my ob told me that most women miscarry at least once in their lives, whether they know it or not and that once my body healed I would most likely carry a healthy full term pregnancy. Most of you know that that is not the case with my husband and I. But thinking this after each miscarriage definitely made it harder after each angel I lost.

* "After so many miscarriages you should be used to it." I angrily typed that phrase. That is another one that I have personally gotten. I will only say this once. YOU NEVER GET USED TO LOSING YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! And in my opinion anyone that says this to your face has just given you permission to rearrange theirs!

* "Move on, it's not the end of the world." Grieving is a different process for every person. The timing isn't the same and neither are the emotions. It is very important to grieve.

* "There must have been something wrong with the baby." Just because the baby died, doesn't mean that there was something wrong with the baby. There are so many things that have to go a certain way to have a healthy pregnancy and carry a baby to full term.

* "It happened because..." Most women like myself find themselves blaming themselves for the loss of their baby, even if a cause is known, I always wondered what if I had done something different. No one knows why I lost my angels and to hear someone else tell me this is why you did is extremely hurtful.

Moral of the story: If you don't understand or know what you're talking about keep your mouth shut and just say "I'm sorry".

Sorry for the long post. I just realized that I hadn't written an in depth post about this. Some of these phrases still get to me like I lost my babies yesterday, but the pain has lessened in time. Thanks for reading. If you have lost an angel baby I'm more than happy to listen and share my experience with you if you like. I hope that everyone takes this post to heart.

Thank you to those that continue to pray for us. We hope to find our baby soon!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment