Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Lonely Silence

I know I said I wouldn't stay away so long, but I did have good reason. We recently had another failed adoption. Just typing those words almost brings me to tears. This was further into the process than any other adoption we have pursued so I think I can say this one hurt the most. I won't go into all of the details but long story short a mutual friend came to me about her friend's situation and said she was pregnant with twin girls due in a couple months. She let us choose the names etc and we got ready for two babies. Our world was perfect for a little while. She ended up going into premature labor and found out that baby b was born asleep she weighed 2lbs 6oz. Baby a was born heathy 6lbs 2oz. However we couldn't get to her so she said she would come to us when she was medically cleared to travel. (Should've been red flag number 1) We immediately called our lawyer and had him start on the paperwork. She was all set to travel when baby girl was 3 weeks old. We didn't want any pictures until after we met her. We were all set to bring home a one month old baby girl! (Carseat installed, diaper bag ready at the drop of a hat everything)The week before the scheduled court date, she arrived to where she was staying and said she wanted to meet us and let us meet baby girl. Long story short she found every excuse not to meet with us. When the day came to go to court she was nowhere to be found. And I had a friend telling me how beautiful our baby girl was and how she couldn't wait to see her with us. (big slap in the face when I had to tell her that we would never be bringing her home because the birthmom changed her mind) So here we are yet again ready for baby but with empty arms dealing with the lonely silence. I promised myself that last year would be the last year that I would spend my birthday childless, but it looks as though that may not happen. My birthday is in exactly 29 days. It really would take a miracle to make me "physically" a mommy by then. But hey, miracles happen everyday I guess. This adoption has hurt but I know I will heal. I've really noticed who my real friends are here lately. I know I've been in some pretty dark places and haven't been the most positive person to be around, but the real friends have stuck by me. As far as how my husband is handling things, he's always been the stronger one of us when it comes to emotions, and as much as he has always wanted a baby boy, I know this little girl had him wrapped around her finger from the moment we heard about her. I really think this adoption has hurt him very much as well. It has been so wonderful to have all of your support and kind words, even when the last thing I want is to be positive I look back on those words and really appreciate all the wonderful people I have been blessed with. Although I know it isn't my timing, I sure do wish we would find a baby soon!! I hope I have answered everyone's questions and I really do promise to try to keep everyone updated more often. Thank you for your kind words and continued prayers! I hope to have better news to update soon!!

1 comment:

  1. I understand how you feel. Been there myself. Just know you aren't alone in this. xo