Reminiscing

This is kind of a random post. Facebook has a new layout as I'm sure most are aware of. It is now set up to be a scrapbook of your life from birth- when you added facebook and everything since then. My husband and I finally cracked and decided to check it out. The way it is set up is by year. We thought it would be fun to see what events Facebook thought were important. I think we both set up our Facebooks in 2006 and we met in 2008 and married in 2009. It was fun to see how we acted and what we did before we knew each other. But the further we got up the time lines the more nervous I got. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how long it's been it doesn't hurt any less. I saw our first pregnancy announcement. I think we waited a couple days to announce it on Facebook. Sept. 9, 2009 my husband announced that he was going to be a father. It almost brought me to tears. Even though we aren't physically parents I still remember that day and think of it as the day we became parents. Now you would think I would probably stop there not torture myself anymore but I was curious to see what else would pop up. Luckily we didn't announce anymore of our pregnancies on Facebook because we wanted to wait until after the first trimester. But it really got me to thinking about all those special days when I found out about our little angels. I'm the type of person who keeps everything! (not a hoarder lol only sentimental things) I have almost all of our pregnancy tests from all the pregnancies the proof of pregnancies, ultrasounds, my clomid bottles and the clothing we bought when we got a little over excited. I keep everything in a tote. Just to have. Today has been a strange day. Not really sad but hopeful. It's almost a new year and a new beginning. We have every hope that this will be the year that we meet our bundle of joy! I hope we're right!!

Another Holiday with Empty Arms

Happy (late) Birthday Jesus!!! I know I haven't posted in about a week so I thought I'd take the time out to do so while I'm not busy. (which seems to not be very often) We spent yet another holiday with empty arms. (Well besides our fur babies) It's hard to see my nephew's first Christmas and wonder what if all our babies were still here. We made most of our gifts this year which I think is the best kind of gift! My niece loves any and all things Justin Bieber so she was easy to please. We got my older nephew some cologne and a hat and a video game. And we made our baby nephew a blanket with his name on it. We also made their matching Christmas shirts!

They were a big hit!

We had a good time spending Christmas with our families but we are so happy to be home! We pray next year we will have our little one to share the holidays with!! There's not much of an update with the adoption (sorry to disappoint) but we will hopefully be finishing the nursery soon so I will be posting pics of that and we are also thinking of having pics made of us in the nursery (also known as "waiting" pics. We have chosen all black furniture but we have themes picked out for both genders. But we are very excited to have that completely finshed! We hope everyone will continue to keep us in their prayers and that we find our little one soon! 

Open Book

I want to start off this blog by saying I'm sarcastic. Lol. Just a fact. And sometimes my sarcasm gets me in some hot water. I'm also very opinionated. But I try not to give my opinion unless it's asked for, or it's something I post on my Facebook. Now, that being said, I have made a personal decision to make my life a semi open book. I most certainly don't do it for attention! I do it because I'm hoping that I can help someone else. While I was going through the grieving process after losing our children I didn't really know anyone else who had been through something like this. I searched online for support groups and books to help me figure out how I was supposed to feel and what was going on with my body. I want to be there for someone and help them through the process or just answer questions for someone whose curious. We also blog in the hopes that maybe it will lead us to our future child. I can't personally see who all reads this blog, but I do know that a lot of people care about what I say. This blog has lead me to a very great group of supportive friends and a lot of new friends who help me along in our new journey. I know I don't know everything and I don't pretend that I do and I'm very thankful for all the people that I met since starting this blog and  I'm happy to have been able to help others and I look forward to helping and learning more! All of you are WONDERFUL!!! Thank you so much for the support and prayers and kind words!!! Keep them coming!! We can't wait to find our little one!!!!

Part 2:

I stated on my Facebook that life isn't rainbows and sunshine. I'm very thankful that I have this blog as an outlet for my feelings and that I can say what I want/feel here and on Facebook. And I'm glad that all of you reading care about what I have to say! I can't be happy all the time so I'm glad I can vent and have the support of all of my friends when I'm not so positive.

A Bereaved Parent’s Wishlist

A Facebook friend and blog friend shared this on her blog and I felt I should share it on mine as well (altered to our situation). It's food for thought and it speaks for itself. I'm so thankful for the friends that have been there for me. I am in a much better place in my life now because of you.

 

I wish my children hadn’t died. I wish I had them back. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak of my children. My children are very important to me. I need to hear that they were important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my children, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My childrens' deaths are the cause of my tears. You have talked about my children and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my children; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my childrens' deaths pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will grieve the death of my children until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my children and I will always grieve that they are dead. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about them” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself. I don’t want to have a “Pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my children died, a big part of me died with them. I am not the same person I was before my children died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand, understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Mom

What does the word "mom" mean? According to Webster's its : a female parent.  I have to say that although I'm not technically a "parent" (I am and will always be my angel babies' mommy) I do know what it takes to care for a child of almost any age. Although I am young, and want to be a younger parent it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about or I don't understand. I took all the parenting, child development classes (and still have all the notes to prove it! Thanks Mrs. Couch) and I have had a hand in raising my niece and nephews since they were very young (b was 3, H was 1 and m since he was 2 wks) And I have been pregnant 4 times, no not to full term, but I know What to expect when you're expecting like the back of my hand. So yeah I think I know a little more than most people think. But the experience with my niece and nephews has helped. So no I may not technically be a "parent" but I'm already a mother and can't wait to be a parent! End of rant lol I have found myself more hopeful about the selflessness of people lately. I know what it's like to give up a child, but not by choice. I can't imagine what it's like to give up a child for someone else. But I am very thankful and grateful for those special birthparents. On a brighter note my husband and I have FINALLY agreed on gender neutral crib furniture! Lol he's stubborn but coming around! We can't wait to put it all together!! (Curse you nesting! lol) We can't wait to post pics of the nursery set up! We have decided on themes for both genders as well! We can't find our baby soon enough! I'm so glad that even though our adoption fell through with Baby C we have had so much support to help us grieve and move towards finding our forever family! Thank you all for the prayers and kind words!!!!!

Update

Sorry I've been MIA for the last week. I try to update frequently so that everyone knows what's going on with us during this journey. We tried to keep it a secret but everything fell apart. For the past couple of weeks we have been trying to start the process of adopting a precious 3 month old baby boy. You don't have to take my word but he is adorable! I'm not going into many details, because that's not my place to tell. But as of today, the adoption will not be happening. We're very upset by this because we had every reason to think it would happen, and wonderful people helping us, but in the end it wasn't enough. Thank you all for the prayers and I'm sorry we don't have better news. But please pray for this baby boy, I worry about him still and I pray that he finally gets some stability and the love he so desperately needs. We are heartbroken, but hope God will lead us to our bundle of joy soon! Please keep us and that precious little boy in your prayers.

Negative Nancy

Don't be fooled by the title I am in no way going to be negative. Sorry I've been MIA for the past few days. As most of you know(most of you guys are on my Facebook) my last post stirred up a little drama because my words were misunderstood. I have clearly explained my feelings and I don't intend to go through the horrible mess of explaining again on here. I just want to take a second and personally thank everyone reading right now. I know that you don't have to read this but I'm glad you are. I hope I help you in some way. If you don't like what I have to say then please feel free to stop reading now. I want to let everyone know that I started writing this blog I fully intended it to be an emotional outlet. It has done wonders for me to vent and write in this blog. It has also helped a few people which I am happy to hear! I also hope I have helped others understand the infertile side of situations and what we live with and think about. We are not "negative nancies" we simply state how we feel when we feel it because it's unhealthy to keep thing bottled up inside. I would just like to say I don't tell you how to feel, I don't tell you the things you post are dumb, so give me the same respect. I love that my blog has been able to help others! On another note, I'd just like to say that I am happy for all of my pregnant friends and those who have recently given birth. I don't resent them! This is an exciting time in their life and I am supportive of them. But that doesn't mean I don't get jealous or hurt by posts of how excited they are about something to do with their baby. It's natural for me to be happy and unhappy at the same time. It is sad to know that you will never get to give birth to your own child or feel the things other women feel. But that doesn't mean I'm telling you not to post pregnancy announcements or births. I am genuinely happy for you! (ok so I got a little negative, but hopefully I got the point across) we are far beyond ready to meet our little one! We get excited everyday knowing we are one say closer to meeting them!! We pray about them constantly!!! We thank you soooooo much for your prayers as well! The more the merrier!!! I'm so happy to have the wonderful supporters that we have! I'm happy that I have a place to vent an help others at the same time. You guys and your encouraging words mean the world!!! Thank you soooo much!!! (how's that for negative :) )

Age doesn't Make You a Better Mother

I think the title best explains what I'm about to rant about. Just because I'm not 30 something doesn't mean I won't make a good mother. Yes I believe that some teen moms give themselves bad rep because teens aren't meant to have children. (Sorry if that offends anyone) But honestly some teens don't make the best decisions. I personally know some teen mothers that have grown up and taken responsibility for their children and are wonderful moms and on the other hand I know some that are by my standards not that much of a mother. But anywho... I am in my early twentys and my husband is in his (almost) mid twentys lol but I have been around babies and children my whole life. I care for a preschooler and an infant on an almost weekly basis. Needless to say I can care for any age child. I think it's a gift. Despite our journey I think God knows I was born to be a mother, and so do our 4 angel babies. It's been a rough week. Lots of babies being born to people I know. Adoption is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. You want to be happy for those lucky mothers, but it's hard to know that you will never share that exact same experience and happiness. I belive when we adopt it will be a different kind of happiness. We are so far beyond ready to be parents, and the closer it gets to Christmas the lower our hopes get of finding our baby. (Sorry for the pity party there) On to other matters I'm still excited about Christmas! This is the first year that I am going to make, yes I said MAKE, everyone's Christmas presents!!! I love personal gifts and I think they make the best gifts sometimes!!! Thank you to all those who have been following in this journey! We can't wait to make the announcement you are all waiting for!! We thank you for your kind words and prayers we sincerely appreciate them!!!