Monday, October 31, 2011


Everyone has their idea of what makes someone brave. They will fight anyone. They will stay alone in dark woods. They watch scary movies alone. My opinion of bravery is an angel mom! She begins her pregnancy. She falls in love with the thought. She feels her baby move and a love grows within her. Some hold their babies... even look at their smiling face. But somewhere along the way fate takes a nasty turn. Mommy's dreams are shattered. But she rises up. She eventually puts her happy face on and she takes on the world again. If that's not bravery... I just dont know what is ♥ - Cailey James

I saw this on a friend of mine's page and completely agree. People often tell me how strong I am. It is because of my 4 angels that I am this strong. I know one day we will be reunited and I look forward to it. I like to think that they are watching over their mommy and daddy and future siblings. I find myself nesting a lot lately, even though we haven't found our child yet. It makes me even more anxious to meet him or her! We're working on the nursery again tomorrow. It won't be long before it's finished. And to be honest, that scares me a little. I wonder if we will find him/her before it's finished. It will be hard to walk past a semi finished (due to not knowing a gender) nursery without a baby inside. Anyways... I tried to talk Cody into doing a blog tonight. I think everyone would be interested in his point of view. Well, he wasn't interested. lol He's had a long day at work so I think I'll bug him about it tomorrow lol.

I found myself looking at the journal I started before our last miscarriage. It took me back to a dark place. Then a happier one. It's crazy how in two months things can change and someone can feel so many emotions. But I'm glad that we are on the path we are on now. I know that my emotions are probably going to be just as crazy as they were then, but I pray it has a happier ending...

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Research & Other things..

The past few days I have been doing a little bit of research. The state I live in has the 8th highest teen pregnancy rate! IN my state there are close to 4500 abortions performed annually! I am personally pro life. Even before we decided to adopt. So reading that really spun me for a loop. I'm not sure how much of that number is teen abortions but its still 4500 too many in my opinion. Everyday (it seems) someone I know finds out they're pregnant. I have people from ages 12+. I wonder sometimes why some people who seem to not have much to do with the children they already have continue to keep having them. I live in a small town where it seems like pregnancy is in the water. There are girls in high school pregnant just as I'm sure there are everywhere and I cant help but wonder why!? In research I have found in teens that have girls, those girls 75% of them will grow up and become teen mothers themselves. Why is this? Statistics show that It's all in how they are raised. Just some food for thought...I've been working on onsies and bibs for our future little one the past few days (gender neutral of course) I can't wait until we find him or her!!! I keep having a dream about a little girl. (not sure what it means) I never get to see her face though :(  Hopefully we will make more progress on the nursery this week! We thank everyone who has been following along with us on this journey! I can't wait until the day when he/she gets to meet all of you!!!! A question I have gotten recently: Do you have names picked out?  Answer : YES!!! But I am keeping them under wraps for the time being!!! :D Thank you to those who continue to pray for us!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

4 am random baby rant.

It's 4 am. Its been a LONG hard day. I just finished up some work and I find myself thinking. (big surprise to those that know me) For those that don't, I actually think about a lot of things that some (i think) don't really think about. You never truly realize how insensitive the human race is until you are put in a sensitive situation. As many of you know I am still very sensitive around pregnant people. I choose not to be around them, not because I'm just an insensitive person, I do it because if I don't I turn into a mess of a person and who wants to be around that? It's very hard being in a family where people are having babies left and right and thats all anyone wants to talk about and don't really care that you're standing right there. It's especially hard being around family that you don't see very often and the last time they saw you, you were pregnant. Ugh then comes all the questions. "Awh where's the baby?" That sort of thing. For me personally, I HATE having to tell my story over and over again especially face to face with other people. But anyways, today I have found myself feeling completely discouraged. (i hate feeling sorry for myself) A person can only handle so much! We're taking everything one day at a time, but as it gets closer to the holidays I get more anxious to have our little one here with us already. I wish we knew where he/she was! I also found myself thinking about my angel babies again today. I wonder if they look like me, what genders they are, and if they're watching over us and their future sibling. (sorry for all the randomness) I've been trying to think of something to blog about lately, but theres just so much I needed to say I might as well get it all out at once. I've decided I want to keep everything on here as real as possible. I want people to see just exactly what I, personally go through and what we as a couple go through living life after miscarriage and with our new journey of adoption. It's not easy. I like to think I'm very strong, but when I'm alone it's hard to keep everything together. I can't speak for my husband though. Today has just been one wrong thing happening to us after another. We had a tip on an adoption and it fell through and a whole lot of other things that just piled one on top of the other. On another note: When we go to the store we always try to pick up a few things for the future baby so far we've got some diapers, dr brown bottles, pacifiers, soaps and lotions. I get a little sad when I look at our mini stockpile of baby stuff, but I have faith that we will find our little one soon, well I hope soon! I think that going through adoption is a lot like being pregnant, emotionally I mean. It's very draining. You have your good days and your bad days. I feel like an emotional wreck today. Ugh but it's a new day and another day to research. As I re read through what I have written so far I can already say that when we do find our little one this post is going to be one I look back on and smile because I know I need to feel this way and it will all be worth it. Thank you to those continuing to pray for us, we really appreciate it! And please continue to share our blog with friends.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

A New Day...

Today has been one of those days that I really wonder where our little one can be. I'm so impatient already. It's so hard not knowing when we will find him/her. I just have to keep telling myself to breath and take it one day at a time. But in the meantime it helps (and sometimes hurts) to buy things for him or her. Our stockpile of diapers is getting higher and higher every time I look at it. I will be making alot of his/her's clothing so we aren't really stocking up on clothes. Just mostly sleep sacks and gender neutral things. We finally decided on a carseat as well!!! Can't wait until it comes in!! It's so hard to find swings and things that are gender neutral so we're holding off on those. Still working on the nursery. Part of me wants it to get finished. (as much as can be done until we know a gender) The other part knows that I will be sad once it is finished until we find a baby to put inside.  (sorry about the "feeling sorry for myself" vibe) We've gotten a few tips lately from some people who read our blog (please share with friends!!!) So we'll be looking into that this week. Talked to our lawyer again the other day so that put my mind at ease about somethings. I hope we find our special bundle of joy soon. (Side note) I keep having dreams about a baby girl. (which everyone knows is what I really want lol not that I  dont want a boy, Just prefer a little girl first) But anyways, maybe that is a good sign! It's been a tough day for me. I don't think things like this really affect Cody. I know he is ready to find our baby but he's more patient than I am. Today really made me think about the holidays. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be our 4th together. (I was pregnant at thanksgiving last year but had lost the baby before christmas) It saddens me to think that we will have to spend more holidays as an incomplete family. I pray we don't, but those thoughts stick with you. I pray we find our baby before the holidays. I know our families are ready to meet him/her! Especially mine!!! All the prayers are much appreciated!!! And thank you again to all those that share and take time out to read our blog. Word of mouth is very powerful!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Preferences? And Adoption Update

Some people have recently asked me about our adoption preferences. (For those that don't know what I mean: it's what type of child we prefer to adopt) To be honest, we really don't have a preference for a child. Of course we would like a child that looks more like us so that they don't feel different. And every parent wants a healthy baby. We choose not to discriminate. If God leads us to a child that is a different race or has special needs we are more than ok with that. Yes we know that special needs children need more attention, but that is one of the reasons why I chose to be a stay at home mom. In our profile we list our preferences as: Open to : premies, drug exposed children, children with certain stds(that can be treated with medication), children with asthema and children with developemental delays. The ONLY specific preference we have is that we get a child from newborn-three months. We really want as much of the full experience as parents as we can get. We know that any child we are placed with will be special to us and loved far beyond imaginable! As far as the process goes right now, we looked into a special needs adoption site today and we still have our profile on we still haven't found that special bundle of joy just yet but we hope we find him/her soon!!!! Thanks to everyone that continues to follow our journey and pray for us! We really appreciate it!!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

National Infertility and Pregnancy day

Today has been a busy day. Today is the day that we take the time out to remember all the little angel babies that were called home all too soon. Looking back I know everything happens for a reason, but at the time you think it isn't fair. Today I attended a fundraiser for Ty, a little boy with blastoma (cancer) he's two years old and was diagnosed when he was only 1 month old. It makes me wonder if maybe that would've been our children. Maybe God took them because he knew we could handle the loss better if it happened earlier. I pray for that little boy! I hope he has a speedy and full recovery!!!! I pray for his parents as well. I've thought about our angel babies a lot today. I miss them so much! I've also been thinking about our future baby(ies) I can't wait to meet them either. I think about them all the time. I pray for all of you that are dealing with losses and dealing with infertility. Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope you continue to follow us on this journey and continue praying for us and our future little one! I hope God leads us to him/her soon!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Q & A Blog

Here are some frequently asked questions we have been getting lately:

Q: Why have you decided to adopt so early?
A: I have always known I was meant to be a mother. No matter what way that came about I know that that is what I am meant to do with my life. With all the infertilty issues we have had this early in our life, WHY NOT adopt?

Q: Are you guys' still trying to concieve?
A: No. But it's not to say we wouldn't be thrilled if one day God decided to bless us with a natural born child. (But we would love them the same!)

Q: What fertility problems/treatments have you done?
A: We have seen two specialists. I was unable to carry past 7 weeks. (the third time I carried the baby to ten weeks but it passed away when I was 7 weeks pregnant) We have been through routine treatments. I've had my (technical terms) uterus, tubes and cervix checked and everything has came back normal. I have been on Clomid and progesterone hormone. 2 rounds.

Q:Are you nesting?
A: I guess you can say we are. We buy a little here and there as if we were actually pregnant. The nursery will hopefully (fingers crossed) be finished soon! Well as much as can be done at the moment without knowing a gender. We buy gender neutral clothes (I love rubber duckies anyways) and we decided on black nursery furniture (which I love!!) for both themes. We also picked out paint colors! It's all starting to come together!!! Can't wait to put a baby inside!!!

Q:Do you plan to be a stay at home mom?
A: Yes!!! I can't imagine missing a second of our child's life!!

Q:How does Cody feel about the adoption?
A: Since this blog is mostly from my point of view on our story and how I personally deal with day to day living with our situation, I don't think I can really speak for him. I know that he is very excited and ready to be a daddy! I know he wants a little boy,(what man doesn't?) but he will be more than happy with a little princess! With him working full time on his job and me working from home it's mostly me doing the nesting. But he's very involved in the process and will be doing almost everything in the nursery lol! We both support each other everyday with our decision and CAN'T wait to be parents!!!

Q: What agency are you going through?
A: We have decided that we don't want to go through an agency just yet. We see it as the money (around 30,000 at most agencies) that is spent on an agency can be put towards a college fund or an emergency medical fund for the baby. So we have set up some profiles that anyone can view and have them through our family lawyer.

Q: What type of child are you guys' looking for?
A: A baby is a baby no matter what color their skin, hair, and eyes are. The only preference we really have is an infant between 0-3 months. We want that feeling that new parents get with an infant.

Q: What kind of adoption would you and your husband like?
A: I think a lot of adoptive parents want a closed adoption, and I can see why, but I also want our child to know where they came from and that they were adopted because they were loved so much and not that they weren't loved at all. We don't intend on keeping that secret from our child and we don't want them to feel out of place. We are very open to an open adoption where we would send pictures and letters once a month and exchange phone numbers and possible meet every once in awhile.

Q: How prepared are you and your husband for a baby?
A: I think we're probably overly prepared lol. Physically anyways. We are emotionally invested in our decision to adopt and will be even more invested in any child that is placed with us. We were both raised with great morals and in a house full of love and we can't wait to share those with a little one!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Nursery Update!!!

We are so excited to see the nursery finally starting to come together!!! We picked out paint colors today!!! Of course we can't buy anything for a certain gender because a baby hasn't been placed with us yet. But we have themes picked out for both genders and we have decided on black nursery furniture! I guess I'm nesting which stinks because we don't have a baby to put inside the nursery yet. :/ but we are prepared nonetheless for a child which makes me feel so excited and even more ready to be a mom! We looked at carseats and strollers today too but can't agree on which one to get. Any opinions on safety and quality? We picked up some cute pacifiers the other day too. Its so hard to shop gender-neutral! So much cute stuff for boys and girls!! Still crossing my fingers that we find that special bundle of joy soon! We are ready to give them all the love and attention they deserve!!! We will keep everyone updated with pictures as we finish the nursery, well get the furniture set up and a general layout set up!!! Thank you for all the prayers and kind words!!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Hardest Part of Trying to Adopt

Alot of people have asked me this lately. To me, the hardest part of trying to adopt is the waiting. I'm sure once we find a baby it will be worrying that the birthmother could change her mind. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm a very impatient person already lol, but I'm very ready for this new part of our lives. We both are. Finding a baby has literally taken over my life lol. I'm so thankful for all the kind words and prayers everyone has been sending our way and I do intend to keep this blog updated throughout our journey and even after we do find a child.(which is hopefully VERY soon lol) To all who read this blog you are more than welcome to share it with your friends! And thank you for the prayers and kind words.

Monday, October 3, 2011

For Friends of People dealing with the loss of a child

As someone who didn't have many friends any of the times I miscarried, (I pushed everyone away) I now know that having someone there to cry on their shoulder is very important. Through my own experiences I aways found it best to take a few days for myself. To grieve on my own. It's then very important to talk to your significant other. See how their feeling as well. (remember they lost a child as well) I'm not a doctor, but talking with Cody(my husband) may have helped me to not necessarily move on, but to get to the next stage of grieving. If your friend has what to expect (the pregnancy one) there is a chapter at the end that really helped me to deal with miscarrying. There are many stages to the grieving process. So don't get discouraged if they don't want to talk or hang out for a week or so. (Small Rant) We hate being told that it's not our fault and that it just wasn't meant to be and God has better plans. We know this, it's just accepting it that makes us upset. My advice (but like I said everyone is different) is to listen. There's not really a right thing to say. Just be there for them. It helps more than you think. But if it ever comes to a point (I say about a month) that they just aren't talking to anyone or just laying in the bed all day, that's the time to give them a good kick in the pants! I really needed that. That's the time when you should start being positive and try to get them out into the world doing activities or really just socializing with other people. (I think my facebook got decactivated lol) Remind them that worse things can happen and that you can always try again. (unless they are in my situation) Then there's always adoption. It takes time to come to terms with dealing with the fact that you can never have your own biological children as well so that's another time to listen. But 9 times out of 10 you can always try again and everything will turn out ok. Bottom line: Don't talk. Just Listen!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Letter to Future Baby

Dear Future Baby,

      Hi, I'm your mommy! I cannot wait to meet you and hold you in my arms! I think about you so much and I'm not even sure where you are right now. I know you will be beautiful or handsome, no matter what color your skin, hair, and eyes are! I can't wait to decorate your nursery. If you're a girl of course your nursery will be zebra. We haven't decided on colors yet but I have a general idea. If you're a boy your daddy says your room will be razorback lol. He wants a giant wall mural on all the walls of a stadium and a rug that looks like a football field. (I think he'll spend more time in there than you) lol. We picked out a room for you today. I wish we knew what you were so that I could start decorating. (mommy's a shopaholic) lol you'll learn that soon enough. I promise you will never want for anything. It may come back to bite us in the butt, but hey you're our first. We promise we won't spoil you for too long lol. I can't speak for your grandparents though! I'm not sure what my mom wants you to call her but she will probably spoil you the most! You might not see much of her because she lives a couple hours away but I promise she will still find a way to spoil you! lol Have I told you how much we can't wait to meet you?! lol It's all we think and talk about. I wish we knew when we would meet you. I know I will make a good mommy. Mommy works from home so you will see her alllll the time! Daddy works weird hours so there's not a set schedule for him but I promise he will always make time for you! And on saturdays, during football season boy or girl you will be decked out in your razorback gear sitting on the couch watching football with daddy! We decided today that when you are finally ours we are having a shower for you! We want you to meet all your future friends and mommy and daddy's friends! Hopefully they will all fall in love with you like we already have!! (Even though we don't know you yet) We Love you sooooooo much sweetheart and we cannot wait to meet you! I hope God leaves us to you soon!! Mommy sucks at being patient!!!

                                      Love Always,

Saturday, October 1, 2011

What Do We Look Forward To The Most About Being Parents.

"Biology is the least of what makes you a mother"- Oprah Winfrey

I will never look at my child and think that this is my adopted child. They will always be OUR child. No matter what color their skin, hair and eyes are, I will love them as if I had carried them myself! I cannot wait for that first smile! I swear I'm going to be a big crybaby the first time I hold our new child lol. I look forward to spending everyday changing diapers, not sleeping, playing peekaboo and of course dressing him or her up!! I cannot wait for him or her to meet our families. This would be my immediate family's first grandchild! So my mom would finally be Granny or grandma or whatever she wants to be lol and my sister and brother would be an aunt and uncle. This would be Cody's sides 4th grandchild. But our neice and nephew's first cousin! I can't wait for all of them to play together!! I'm sure I will be kissing alot of boo boos with how they play lol! I struggle with when to tell him or her that they are adopted and how (if they have a different ethnic background) to explain to my neice and nephews as well.But hopefully that's not in the near future lol (well I hope the child is in the near future!) I'm not really sure what Cody looks forward to, but I know he can't wait to be a daddy. He talks about it almost as much as I do!!!  I know he really hopes we can adopt a little boy so he can have his little man to teach sports to. lol  I know he would love a little princess. A big thank you to all of you who read this! We really appreciate it!!! I hope it helps someone in need and possibly leads us to our future child(ren)!!!! Thank you for your kind words and prayers!!!